I Don't Know

Welcome to My two cents, my perspective, and the random rabbit holes I’ve been curious enough to dive into. I’m not here to convert anyone or push an agenda I’m just someone who asks a lot of questions and notices when things don’t quite add up. I spent years in the startup world, and eventually found myself drawn into behavioral health through a deeper curiosity about people, belief systems, behavior, and human nature. My writing is shaped by both personal experience and professional insight, mixed with a constant thirst for knowledge and an unwillingness to blindly accept surface-level answers. Some of what I write may resonate, some may challenge you, and some you may completely disagree with. That’s the point. Take what speaks to you and leave the rest, no pressure, just perspective.

I never had a “relationship” with God. Not because I don’t believe in Him, but because I didn’t believe in myself enough to know what that means for me. During my journey into adulthood, and after surviving and outliving some life-threatening experiences, I never turned to God for answers. I never considered it His responsibility to answer questions that I needed to find answers to myself.

My family of origin is Jewish. My extended family is too. Does this mean that I am Jewish?

Well, I don’t know.

I don’t practice the holidays, I don’t know much about them, and I don’t seek out spiritual or religious support for my humanity. From a clinical standpoint, I could easily self-diagnose as someone who thinks God picked on me, and that this is why my life was so extremely hard. But that concept doesn’t make any sense. Everyone has hardships, so does God pick on everyone? He’s just a big prankster? This doesn’t land for me either. Do I have to believe in something for it to be true? That’s a circular question and argument that doesn’t attack context, just fans off content. How do I know if God is real?

Well, I don’t know.

I spent 11 years working in the nonprofit, faith-based industry. The company I worked for, and later helped run, was the first national startup to create an online platform that allowed parishioners and congregations to donate to their churches, temples, and synagogues online. We helped religious institutions run fundraisers, support local communities, and initiate meaningful support for hospitals and other organizations. I loved my time in this industry. It was rewarding, heartfelt, and progressive. Throughout the years, I got to visit and work with hundreds of different religious institutions. Was God part of this process?

Well, I don’t know.

When I was little, I read the Torah. I carried it with me to school every single day, and if it ever fell, I would immediately pick it up and kiss it. In fact, when I was about 10 years old, my dad was helping me take off my backpack after school, and the Torah accidentally fell out onto the floor. I remember becoming very serious and telling my father to pick up the Torah, kiss it, and carefully place it back into my backpack. I still remember that moment so clearly. Even at such a young age, I understood how sacred and meaningful the Torah was to me, and I treated it with the deepest respect and love every single day. Was it because I believed in God or because I was taught that in school? We had prayer at school.

Well, I don’t know.

I don’t think I am lost, nor do I think I am not a believer. I just don’t fit the mold. I feel disheartened by the constant competition over which “God” is the real God. I watch lifelong worldly conflicts revolve around religion and the endless struggle over which faith is the “right” one or the favored one. I cannot rationalize the idea that, among all human beings, some are chosen while others are not. If God created all of us in His image, why would He choose one people above every other? To me, that idea feels deeply contradictory and, at times, even narcissistic. Did God just choose one people based on their history? But didn’t he write all history?

Well, I don’t know.

I believe religion is far more complex, compassionate, and universal than the rigid boundaries people create around it. So much division, hatred, and suffering have come from humanity’s need to claim ownership over God, as if the divine could belong exclusively to one religion, one culture, or one group of people. That has never fully made sense to me. My questions do not come from a lack of faith, but from a desire to understand humanity, morality, and the deeper meaning of existence in a way that feels honest and authentic to me. I still believe there is something greater than us, but I struggle with the way people weaponize religion, turning it into competition instead of connection, compassion, and understanding. So maybe my beef isn’t necessary with religion or God, maybe it’s with people and their relationships with God?

Well, I don’t know.

On the other hand, I also disagree with people who, despite never having read the Bible or explored religious literature for themselves, completely dismiss God, religion, or people of faith. I find it just as frustrating when people judge believers without ever taking the time to genuinely understand what they believe or why faith matters to them. I remain torn and still in search of answers. I am taking my time reading different literature, reflecting deeply, and trying to figure out where I truly stand and what side of the coin I am on. I do not want my beliefs to come from pressure, fear, tradition, or rebellion. I want them to come from understanding, honesty, and personal conviction. Is God leading me through this process?

Well, I don’t know.

What really annoys me is when people immediately ask what I believe in or what religion I am, as if that single answer can fully define me as a human being. It often feels like the moment I answer, I am instantly placed into a mental file: “non-believer,” “ignorant,” “Jewish,” “Christian,” or something else entirely. People tend to make assumptions the second they can label you, and I have always struggled with that. Human beings are far more layered and complex than a religious category or title.

I do not think questioning faith makes someone weak, and I do not think belief automatically makes someone enlightened. I think many people, including myself, are simply trying to understand existence, morality, suffering, purpose, and whether there is truly something greater than us. For me, this journey is personal, and I would rather take my time searching honestly than force myself into an identity that does not fully feel like my own. I just don’t play by these rules. I also don’t want to fake my approach to faith either.

In terms of my history and my religion of origin, I remain confused about the idea of converting to Judaism versus being Jewish “by blood.” I have read about it extensively and spoken with a few Rabbis about it, yet I still feel “eh” by the answers I received. It is not that their explanations were necessarily wrong, but rather that I never heard an answer that fully resonated with me or brought me a sense of clarity or peace. Am I the problem?

Well, I don’t know.

I struggle with the concept of identity being tied so heavily to lineage, ancestry, or religious law, while at the same time understanding that faith is deeply rooted in history, tradition, family, and survival. There is a part of me that understands why those distinctions exist, especially considering everything humans have endured throughout history. I find myself caught somewhere in the middle trying to understand the difference between heritage, faith, culture, and religious identity, while also trying to determine where I fit within all of it. Sometimes it feels less like I am searching for a label and more like I am searching for honesty within myself.

Religion is not just theology, it is history, identity, family, trauma, tradition, and belonging all intertwined. I think that is why I still feel conflicted. I am not looking for simple answers or rigid definitions. I am trying to find an understanding that feels authentic to me, something I can genuinely believe and live with internally, rather than something I accept simply because I was told to. What about psychedelics? How do they fit into the equation when it comes to spirituality, faith and religion? Is religion a tribe?

Well, I don’t know. I think it’s okay not to know, sometimes.

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